I instantly became emotional as so many thoughts rushed through my mind. My next chapter is missing a person. A person I have lived most of my life with. My next chapter involves changing how I go about my daily life. My next chapter means more people leaving my home and being down to household numbers I haven't had in nearly 20 years. My next chapter is full of so much uncertainty not only for myself but for my 4 kids. My next chapter feels especially hard, in so many ways.
I have so many thoughts...
After all the funeral services and returning back home to Utah. I came across an entry I hadn't come across before in one of Ben's mission journals. He would have written it sometime in September of 1999 (He didn't date it but based off the entry prior and the entry after it would have been sometime that month). Ben's birthday is in September, there's a part of me that wonders if these were his thoughts on that day. This would have also been about a year before we met.
I feel that I should share this entry for some reason.
It is titled:
What I Would Want Said at My Own Funeral
I would wish to be a loving father to my children. I would wish that they remember me as being gentle, kind, compassionate, teaching them the love of God, helping to nurture them with the gospel, strengthening their testimonies and being an example to them.
I would wish to leave a wife who is devoted to the Lord. Who has shared with me joys brought by living the gospel.
In my life I would wish to be a true friend, a true person never being bitter, angry, always being filled with charity. I would wish to be patient, meek, and humble before the Lord. I would wish to be clean and worthy to serve Him anywhere in anyway. To be obedient, honest, and faithful.
To be worthy of exaltation and eternal life.
When I came across this entry, I was struck with the humility and deep desire he had all those years ago to live a good, worthy and honest life. Had I seen this before the funeral services it would have felt fully appropriate to share. As my assessment is he did a pretty good job making his wishes, of what he desired as a young man come true. Despite everything he went through in his 44 years of life.
Over the past year I was impressed with the realization that he is someone who would have legitimate reasons to miss church and stay home. His pain was so bad, but I can probably count on less than one hand the number of Sundays he missed when he was home and not in a hospital or rehab center. Ben was and is devoted to his Heavenly Father and Savior. I am so grateful for his example to our family in pressing forward, even when you don't feel like you can physically move forward anymore.
I wish we could have shared this at his funeral!
Back to what I am hoping for in this next chapter, but first I will share a little of some experiences I had in his last weeks with us and a little relationship history.
Ben and I met over the phone, probably not so randomly, but to us it was, In the late summer of 2000. A friendly phone call with my chatty self! I will talk to anyone and can talk for hours. I love getting to know people. Crazy enough on our second phone call in late August of 2000, we decided we were supposed to get married, chose a date to do it and made a plan. Ben called the Bountiful temple to schedule our marriage the next morning for January 20, 2001, and we likely sent both sides of our families into deep shock and panic. We didn't even know what the other looked like yet!
We didn't know each other very well, we were young and we were both strong willed people. We also faced a lot of opposition, skepticism, and judgement for many years into our marriage. Ben became super sick when our second son was 6 months old, and that's when he was diagnosed with lupus. That diagnosis affected Ben's health and our relationship until he died in June. Lots of rough times, lots of stress, lots of judgements on us. It was really tough a lot of the time. However, there were always blessings, fun times, hope and lots of learning opportunities, not only about ourselves, but each other as well. Going through so many tough things and often feeling like it was us against the world, we grew a love and a bond that couldn't be broken. Though I am pretty sure that was a re-realized love and bond from our life before coming to earth.
Things over the past few years have been different than any other block of time we've had in our married life. The stress, exhaustion and frustration sometimes got the best of us, yet things were handled better than we would handle them as our younger selves. We could have conversations about issues with minimal explosions of frustration with each other. I became mostly a caregiver for Ben, having to drive him everywhere he needed to go. Taking care of him after his surgeries and being with him at the hospitals and rehab centers. Some of my favorite times in those last weeks became going up to check him out of the rehab center and us being able to go to dinner, just the two of us. We rarely had time to just be the two of us as our house was full and rarely empty. We talked about a lot of things. Some of them being hard things and some of the conversations were reflecting on how far we had come over all these years.
At some point during Ben's last week with us we, were driving in the car, just the two of us. Probably to some appointment. While driving in the car, I don't even think we were talking, just riding. I felt an immense feeling of love and happiness towards Ben and in just being with him. It was a tangible feeling and so strong. I can only describe it as what I would imagine is a pure heavenly love and joy. That moment in the car within days of his passing has been something I've held onto since he left me that Sunday morning in June. I have felt that same feeling from him frequently since he has passed when I've been in the temple. I feel this has had a lot to do with how I've handled his passing and the things I've been inspired to do.
I miss Ben. I can't tell you the number of times I thought "Oh I need to text Ben this, or that" or anticipated a night time pillow talk about all the things going on. Or even vent to him about things that are going on. Everything is so different now.
So what do I hope for?
I hope to keep moving forward in whatever way Heavenly Father and Ben are wanting me to move
I hope to never forget the spiritual experiences I have had
I hope for prayers to continue to be answered
I hope for clarity to continue to come in regards to impressions/inspirations I have had and will have
I hope for my kids to thrive and progress in the ways they need to
I hope for my kids to feel their dad and know that he is there with them, always
I hope for peace, continued joy and happiness in my life and relationships
I hope to continue to feel as close to my Heavenly Father and Savior as I have these past few months
I hope to be the mom to my kids that they need and Heavenly Father wants me to be
I hope to prove to myself that I will be ok and I can do things that I would normally shy away from when prompted
I hope to find success
I hope for everything to work out and be ok
I hope to serve and bless others
I know that Heavenly Father loves each and every one of us. I know this because I have personally felt his love for me in my deepest times of need. I see it everyday in the people, the angels (both on earth and from the other side) he sends into my path to bless and care for me and my kids on his behalf. We are all God's children. I think that is one of the most powerful things we can know. Hope is possible because of that knowledge and one thing I've learned, there is always hope and it never runs out!
One little social media post, yet one very loaded question!
~April
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