Widows and Widowers Get Together!

  

After returning from Ben's services in Oklahoma, my friend and neighbor took me to lunch. She is also a widow, and this lunch was my first "widow lunch." It was so nice to talk to someone who has been through this similar experience. 

During our lunch, she recommended that I find a group that is on Facebook for Widows and Widowers, specifically from our faith. At this point in this process, I was unsure I was ready to accept and call myself a widow. It felt like such a strange association to make. Usually, when we think of widows, we think of cute older ladies who are so sweet and missing their companions of many decades. Widowhood for them probably doesn't seem as unexpected and out of the realm of possibility. 

A bit reluctantly, I came home, got on Facebook to search for the group, and then clicked "join". Thankfully, to join this group, you must verify your status by sending a link to your spouse's obituary or providing proof that you are a widow or widower. I wasn't approved until the next day. 

When I first started checking out this group and reading the posts, I felt very disconnected from what others' experiences were. I wasn't feeling much of the same despair, heartache, and lack of seeing much hope for the future. Honestly, it felt like quite a depressing Facebook group to be a part of. 

I decided to stay and see how it would go and progress. I have learned a lot from this group. Both good and not-so-great places I would like to avoid going into on my journey. I decided pretty quickly that I was not going to be someone who, years later, after Ben's passing, struggles to have joy and happiness in my life. I didn't want to be the person posting 2,3,5+ years later who is still so emotionally devastated. My heart goes out to these people, but my inner self was just not going to have it for my experience. I think there are things we can decide; there's a lot we can't control, but much we can decide. The people in this group are so supportive, kind, and helpful with each other. 

Anyway, a gathering was planned for a couple Saturdays ago at the Brickoven Pizza in Provo. I decided to go again, reluctantly. I was going to go alone, but I decided to ask my neighbor if she was going. We ended up going together, which was really nice. There ended up being 100 people that came. I was one of the youngest people there and the most recent widow there. 

During dinner, I was able to share my story and the experiences I have had since Ben passed with those I was seated around. A sweet lady in her 80s sitting across the table from me really took to me and wanted to give me all her advice. It was hard to hear everything because everyone in the room was talking. I think I was getting about 75% of what she was saying. Her son was with her, and he is a widower himself. A lady who was sitting at the end of the table started listening to our conversation. She caught wind that I was made a widow on June 4th. She got up and had to come give me a hug. Then she sat down behind me and started talking to me. I learned that she was my age. Her husband passed from an extremely rare form of cancer 3 years ago. She has about the same number of kids and recently got engaged to re-marry.

There were so many similar but different stories. I walked away feeling so supported, validated, and less alone in processing all that needed to be processed. It's so interesting how common it is for widows/widowers to feel impressed, prompted, and blessed in many of the same ways about the same types of things. When we got in the car and were driving home, I told my friend how it was so nice to not feel like I am totally insane, abnormal, or wrong in the things I have felt and experienced. I was again reminded that Heavenly Father has a special place in his heart for widows and the fatherless. It's the "club no one wants to be a part of," and I believe fully that Heavenly Father does all that he can to reassure and bring peace to those whose lives have been turned upside down. Of course, we have things we have to navigate on our own, but I believe He inspires and gives us promptings on things that will give us peace of mind and hope that all will be okay. 

I suppose I am finding my place and need with this unexpected Facebook group of people.

~April 

Beaten to A Pulp...

Things these past few weeks have been rather rough. I recalled how when we first moved to Utah after a hard trial during our end time in Virginia and learning Ben was in kidney failure, posting to Facebook that I felt like our life theme song or my life theme song is this section of lyrics from a popular song some number of years ago:

"...I get knocked down, but I get up again. 

You're never gonna keep me down. 

I get knocked down, but I get up again. 

You're never gonna keep me down..." 

These lyrics still seem so applicable 4 years later. I often catch myself with them going on in my mind and I keep trying to move forward and keep myself in a positive place. Some days it seems like quite the battle going on. 

These past several days I have realized just how beat down I feel. It seems like someone is holding me down while I'm constantly pounded by everything. I had the thought that I feel like I'm being beaten to a pulp. I decided to look into what that actually means and came across this definition of beating the pulp in the process of making paper. 

This definition seemed to describe exactly how I am feeling. I hope to become something "usable" at the end of this process. At least I could become some sort of nice stationery. Life has seemed so challenging and hard for so many years at this point. I keep going and keep trying to learn and become better as I hope for a reprieve to be around the next corner. 

For so many years, I put myself on a back burner as anything I was going through felt so small compared to what Ben was going through. I often felt there wasn't space for me to be the one that wasn't okay. I had to be ok because if I wasn't ok there was no one else that could pick up the slack and keep things going. Sometimes when I'd try to let myself feel what I was feeling, or vocalize not being ok, I would be told things like "You're being too focused on yourself", "You don't care enough about Ben", or my kids. Or "You need to do this and this", and "You're not doing enough to help your own situation" among many other things. I would start to feel guilty that I was on a bit of a struggle bus and work to suppress what I was going through so I could be the strong one again. Whether it was for Ben or my kids, I felt like I had to always hold it all together. 

What I have found is that when you're married to someone with chronic illness, it's hard for people to remember and even think about how that person's illness affects their spouse and their children too. The whole family is affected in different ways, yet being the "healthy" ones you're expected to always be exactly what the sick person needs, or what other people think you need to be for them. 

I changed a lot of who I was for Ben. So I could do more things with Ben that he could do or enjoyed doing. Funny enough, I hated politics and I vowed I would marry someone who was not overly into sports. I grew up with golf and football ruling the tv time and I didn't enjoy it at all. Somehow I found someone who was more into sports than my dad was, and I married him! That is somewhat of a miracle, with how I felt about it. Because I loved Ben and wanted to spend as much time as I could with him, I grew a love for politics and even for OU football! I still prefer going to games rather than watching them on TV, but I would always be up for throwing a watch party to watch a game. Probably because that meant good food and friends to hang out with while it was on. Ben couldn't do a lot of active activities, which I enjoyed doing. I loved being outdoors, I grew up rollerblading, ice skating on frozen ponds during the winter, and bike riding. We would go boating, camping, and fishing growing up. A lot of these things Ben couldn't do physically or he just didn't have interest in doing them. Over the years I would have times of feeling frustrated with him and the lack of doing things I enjoyed instead of everything he enjoyed. I would try to find things we could both enjoy together and I would say finding good food, making good food, and sharing good food with friends and family became something we enjoyed a great deal. Instead of being physically active we would watch movies or go to dinner. Mostly I learned that I just wanted to be with Ben even if that meant not doing some things I wish we could do together. However, I did find myself sometimes feeling a bit lost in it all. 

 Now that he is gone, it's like finding myself all over again. I am finding that to be more of a struggle than I thought it would be. It seems so easy to think about how I want to live my life now and I don't have another person to consider. I can eat how I want/enjoy eating, I can do what I enjoy doing, and there's nothing to stop me, aside from myself. And somehow it's a struggle to shift my life in the direction I want. I miss having a person to encourage and do things with. Or a person to bounce off the options, ideas, or inspiration with and decide together. I am feeling a little lost, in a different way now that I am on my own and I can't say it's any easier than feeling lost in someone else. I just plain don't know what to do, or how to go about doing the things I'm feeling I should do. Not much seems to be coming together and I don't know what to do about it. 

Today in church some keywords struck me that were talked about or mentioned in our sacrament meeting; Personal Revelation, True Joy,  The Atonement, and Spiritual Gifts. I couldn't sing the hymns today, but I read the words as the congregation sang them. The 3rd and 4th verses of the sacrament hymn felt directed at me personally. 

"Bid thine heart all strife to cease;

 With thy brethren be at peace. 

Oh, forgive as thou wouldst be. 

E'en forgiven now by me. 

In the solemn faith of prayer

Cast upon me all thy care,

And my Spirit's grace shall be

Like a fountain unto thee. 

At the throne I intercede;

For thee ever do I plead.

I have loved thee as thy friend,

With a love that cannot end.

Be obedient, I implore,

Prayerful, watchful evermore,

And be constant unto me, 

That thy Savior I may be. 

We often think of the Atonement as helping us to overcome our sins, but I read this quote today that gives a fuller picture of what it applies to. 

"The Savior's healing and redeeming power applies to accidental mistakes, 

poor decisions, challenges, and trials of every kind

 -as well as to our sins"

 (Elder Peter F. Meurs)

I have gone through a lot of really hard trials throughout my life. This week I have felt that I don't think the hard trials are ever going to not be there. My heart and my mind are so tired. The reprieve I seek seems to be found when I invite the Savior into my daily life through prayer, reading the scriptures, and attending the temple. Maybe the reprieve isn't as big of an "event" as I hoped it could be. Maybe it's little moments, individual days at a time spaced out over time. While I wish and still hope that things can ease up, I don't know that they will. What I do know is that I can grow and improve on the person that I am. I hope that in my efforts I can become the person my Heavenly Father is trying to help me become and one day my pulp beating can turn into a lovely piece of stationary that can benefit someone else somehow. 

~April

 

Miracles

 

A sister in my ward shared her testimony about miracles in a sacrament meeting not long ago. A friend from my growing-up ward has a daughter who has gone through a very substantial medical trial, spending 3 months in the hospital and never really receiving answers about what caused her medical trauma. I was reading the scriptures this afternoon at the temple, and the chapter was about miracles. 

Miracles have been on my mind quite a bit lately. I came across a quote by Elder Rasband that said:

"Many of you have witnessed miracles, more than you realize. They may seem small in comparison to Jesus raising the dead. But the magnitude does not distinguish a miracle, only that it came from God."

We often associate miracles as Christ healing the blind, raising Lazareth from the dead, walking on water, parting the Red Sea, and all the other vast, impressive, and seemingly impossible things that the Savior did. 

In Moroni Chapter 7, verses 27 and 29, we learn when the question "...Have miracles ceased because Christ hath ascended into heaven?" is posed, "...Nah, neither have angels ceased to minister unto the children of men." Miracles continue to happen every day; they happen all around us in our lives and in the lives of others. 

My friend shared about his daughter fighting for her life and that they had prayed for a long time to have another child. That miracle hasn't happened yet. He prayed to Heavenly Father that he needed that miracle to be granted now and to save his daughter, their only child, from being taken from them. I prayed for their little girl and have kept her name on the prayer roll at the temple every time I've gone over these past few months. My heart ached for them and this sweet girl I have never met. Miraculously, this little girl is still with her sweet family. She has returned home from the hospital, and the miracle seems granted to them. 

When going through a complex trial, challenging situation, or life-altering events, it can sometimes be hard to recognize the miracles that are taking place. 

I loved this quote from President Monson. He said, "If, why, where, how - those recurring words - do not bring back the lost son, the perfect body, the plans of parents, or the dreams of youth. Self-pitty, personal withdrawal, or deep despair will not bring the needed peace, assurance, or help. Rather, we must go forward, look upward, move onward, and rise heavenward." he continued, "It is imperative that we recognize that whatever has happened to us has happened to others. They have coped, and so must we. We are not alone. Heavenly Father's help is near." 

When I've been thinking about miracles over these past weeks, I have realized that so many have taken place. Even in the life-altering event of Ben's unexpected passing, I have seen the miracles surrounding him and our family. 

It's a miracle that Ben was released from the rehab center and made it to family pictures a week before his passing.

It's a miracle that he spent time with many of those he loved and cared about in his last week.

It's a miracle that Ben was able to have some hope in learning that his recovery and healing from his recent surgery were going so well and that he could be cleared for his transplant surgery to be scheduled.

It's a miracle that Ben could have one of his most enjoyable weeks as his last week with us. 

It's a miracle that when it became Ben's time to go, he could go quickly and not suffer excessively.

It's a miracle that despite our grief, uncertainty, and fears, we are continuing to move forward in figuring out what life looks like now that he's gone. 

It's a miracle that when our loved ones pass to the other side, we can still feel them and know that they are supporting us in our trials and helping us continue on the path we are to follow. 

I am grateful for these (and many other) miracles we've experienced through this trial. I am thankful for a Heavenly Father who constantly reminds us he is aware of our needs, including our need to see his love daily. 

While most miracles are not grand and impossible, the small daily miracles are just as impactful and remind us that all good things come from our Savior and our Heavenly Father, whose love for us is never-ending. 

President Monson shared the words of this hymn in his talk I read, and I'll end this with those words. 

"When upon life's billows you are tempest-tossed,

When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,

Count your many blessings; name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord has done...

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?

Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?

Count your many blessings; ev'ry doubt will fly,

And you will be singing as the days go by. ...

So, amid the conflict, whether great or small,

Do not be discouraged; God is over all.

Count your many blessings; angels will attend, 

Help and comfort give you to your journey's end." (Hymns no. 241)

 Most miracles are small reminders that God is aware, guiding our path, and blessing us along the way.

~April 

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What Are You Hoping For In This Next Chapter?..

Tonight as I scrolled my social media before going to bed, I came upon a post that Emily Belle Freeman had just posted. She asked the question that is the title of this blog post: What Are You Hoping For In This Next Chapter? 

I instantly became emotional as so many thoughts rushed through my mind. My next chapter is missing a person. A person I have lived most of my life with. My next chapter involves changing how I go about my daily life. My next chapter means more people leaving my home and being down to household numbers I haven't had in nearly 20 years. My next chapter is full of so much uncertainty not only for myself but for my 4 kids. My next chapter feels especially hard, in so many ways. 

I have so many thoughts...

After all the funeral services and returning back home to Utah. I came across an entry I hadn't come across before in one of Ben's mission journals. He would have written it sometime in September of 1999 (He didn't date it but based off the entry prior and the entry after it would have been sometime that month). Ben's birthday is in September, there's a part of me that wonders if these were his thoughts on that day. This would have also been about a year before we met.

 I feel that I should share this entry for some reason. 

It is titled:

What I Would Want Said at My Own Funeral

I would wish to be a loving father to my children. I would wish that they remember me as being gentle, kind, compassionate, teaching them the love of God, helping to nurture them with the gospel, strengthening their testimonies and being an example to them. 

I would wish to leave a wife who is devoted to the Lord. Who has shared with me joys brought by living the gospel. 

In my life I would wish to be a true friend, a true person never being bitter, angry, always being filled with charity. I would wish to be patient, meek, and humble before the Lord. I would wish to be clean and worthy to serve Him anywhere in anyway. To be obedient, honest, and faithful.

To be worthy of exaltation and eternal life. 

When I came across this entry, I was struck with the humility and deep desire he had all those years ago to live a good, worthy and honest life. Had I seen this before the funeral services it would have felt fully appropriate to share. As my assessment is he did a pretty good job making his wishes, of what he desired as a young man come true. Despite everything he went through in his 44 years of life. 

Over the past year I was impressed with the realization that he is someone who would have legitimate reasons to miss church and stay home. His pain was so bad, but I can probably count on less than one hand the number of Sundays he missed when he was home and not in a hospital or rehab center. Ben was and is devoted to his Heavenly Father and Savior. I am so grateful for his example to our family in pressing forward, even when you don't feel like you can physically move forward anymore. 

I wish we could have shared this at his funeral!

Back to what I am hoping for in this next chapter, but first I will share a little of some experiences I had in his last weeks with us and a little relationship history. 

Ben and I met over the phone, probably not so randomly, but to us it was, In the late summer of 2000. A friendly phone call with my chatty self! I will talk to anyone and can talk for hours. I love getting to know people. Crazy enough on our second phone call in late August of 2000, we decided we were supposed to get married, chose a date to do it and made a plan. Ben called the Bountiful temple to schedule our marriage the next morning for January 20, 2001, and we likely sent both sides of our families into deep shock and panic.  We didn't even know what the other looked like yet! 

We didn't know each other very well, we were young and we were both strong willed people. We also faced a lot of opposition, skepticism, and judgement for many years into our marriage. Ben became super sick when our second son was 6 months old, and that's when he was diagnosed with lupus. That diagnosis affected Ben's health and our relationship until he died in June. Lots of rough times, lots of stress, lots of judgements on us. It was really tough a lot of the time. However, there were always blessings, fun times, hope and lots of learning opportunities, not only about ourselves, but each other as well. Going through so many tough things and often feeling like it was us against the world, we grew a love and a bond that couldn't be broken. Though I am pretty sure that was a re-realized love and bond from our life before coming to earth.

Things over the past few years have been different than any other block of time we've had in our married life. The stress, exhaustion and frustration sometimes got the best of us, yet things were handled better than we would handle them as our younger selves. We could have conversations about issues with minimal explosions of frustration with each other. I became mostly a caregiver for Ben, having to drive him everywhere he needed to go. Taking care of him after his surgeries and being with him at the hospitals and rehab centers. Some of my favorite times in those last weeks became going up to check him out of the rehab center and us being able to go to dinner, just the two of us. We rarely had time to just be the two of us as our house was full and rarely empty. We talked about a lot of things. Some of them being hard things and some of the conversations were reflecting on how far we had come over all these years. 

At some point during Ben's last week with us we, were driving in the car, just the two of us. Probably to some appointment. While driving in the car, I don't even think we were talking, just riding. I felt an immense feeling of love and happiness towards Ben and in just being with him. It was a tangible feeling and so strong. I can only describe it as what I would imagine is a pure heavenly love and joy. That moment in the car within days of his passing has been something I've held onto since he left me that Sunday morning in June. I have felt that same feeling from him frequently since he has passed when I've been in the temple. I feel this has had a lot to do with how I've handled his passing and the things I've been inspired to do. 

I miss Ben. I can't tell you the number of times I thought "Oh I need to text Ben this, or that" or anticipated a night time pillow talk about all the things going on. Or even vent to him about things that are going on. Everything is so different now. 

So what do I hope for? 

I hope to keep moving forward in whatever way Heavenly Father and Ben are wanting me to move

I hope to never forget the spiritual experiences I have had

I hope for prayers to continue to be answered

I hope for clarity to continue to come in regards to impressions/inspirations I have had and will have

I hope for my kids to thrive and progress in the ways they need to 

I hope for my kids to feel their dad and know that he is there with them, always

I hope for peace, continued joy and happiness in my life and relationships

I hope to continue to feel as close to my Heavenly Father and Savior as I have these past few months

I hope to be the mom to my kids that they need and Heavenly Father wants me to be

I hope to prove to myself that I will be ok and I can do things that I would normally shy away from when prompted

I hope to find success

I hope for everything to work out and be ok

I hope to serve and bless others

I know that Heavenly Father loves each and every one of us. I know this because I have personally felt his love for me in my deepest times of need. I see it everyday in the people, the angels (both on earth and from the other side) he sends into my path to bless and care for me and my kids on his behalf. We are all God's children. I think that is one of the most powerful things we can know. Hope is possible because of that knowledge and one thing I've learned, there is always hope and it never runs out!

One little social media post, yet one very loaded question!

~April

We Get to Choose!

 

Over the past few weeks I have been pondering on this song and what it means to me. I wanted to write down my thoughts about it.

A regular theme for me seems to be to be awaken in the night with insights, promptings, inspirations, nerves, or a combination of these things.  One night I was awaken in the very early morning hours and the words to this hymn entered my mind. This is not a hymn I know overly well, but one I have heard before. It's never come to my mind before, so I know it was a little reminder nugget from Heaven. 

As I have pondered over this hymn and the message it shares, it applies to so many situations and all of us.  In the scriptures we learn that Heavenly Father does not wish to control us and prevent us from deciding for ourselves. In Helaman 14:30 it explains the gift of knowledge helps us to be able to choose for ourselves. It says: ..."ye are free, ye are permitted to act for yourselves; for behold, God hath given unto you a knowledge and he hath made you free." 

When I consider this in reference to all that I have been trying to navigate, and all the judgements and unkind comments that have been said to me in regards to how I am handling and processing everything. I have been empowered with the knowledge that just as everyone else gets to choose the type of person they want to be, and what they think is appropriate to say or do, I get to decide the type of person I want to be. We also know that we will each be held accountable for the choices we make and how we treat others. While we are free to choose, we are not free to choose how we will be held accountable for what we choose.

Over the past weeks, I have made some choices on who I want to be and how I want to go about navigating the path I have now been put on. A path I didn't get to choose, but was placed on. 

I CHOOSE TO:

- Seek and follow guidance from my Heavenly Father

- Be open to whatever he wants me to be open to

- Act in the ways I need to act so that I can receive the blessings he has in store for me

- Trust my intuition and not let others deter me from what I know is right for me and my kids

- To live Heavenly Fathers timeline and not my own or anyone else's

- Not allow myself to live a life stuck in deep despair and sadness

- Live with joy and gratitude

- Never take people for granted that are placed on my path to bless and enrich my life

I believe that we have the ability to choose so much more in our lives than we might think sometimes. We can choose how we grieve. We can choose how we go about our lives day to day. We can choose to give grace and understanding to others. We can choose to be offended and hurt, and we can choose to not be. We can choose to forgive. When we choose to seek the good in others and even in our yuck situations, we can be more like our Savior and emulate his love and light into the world. 

~April

Be Kind, Be Helpful August 5, 2023

 

Someone shared this cartoon on a widow and widower Facebook group I’m in.

I feel maybe I’ve been a little misleading with the posts I’ve shared. I’ve tried to be open, honest and have definitely been vulnerable by posting as much as I have. But there are things that have been and are hard to accept.

In the coming weeks more things are happening in changes to our home life that make the reality of how much our life has changed more in our faces. So many changes coming and it’s just a lot. I recognize I have some mental and maybe emotional blocks happening and I’m trying to work through them. I’m allowing myself a little bit of time to process, deal and move forward in the ways I need to.

When you spend your entire life for over 20 years being available to your kids at any given time, it’s a lot to realize that is not my reality anymore. I have a almost 14 year old son who will likely end up being mostly alone for hours every day. That’s a prime age for all kinds of issues and things to start popping up that I won’t be aware of. Everyone thinks your kids need you the most when they are little, but really from this age on I have found I’ve been needed the most. And I don’t have a spouse to be here in the times I can’t be here. It’s all on me, every aspect of being a parent and a bread winner.

I started school 2 years ago, because I was inspired to do so. The choices I made in what to study also involved a lot of contemplation, consideration, and prayer. I have a strong desire to finish. In fact to be a sole provider now after spending the past year and half heavily taking care of Ben and trying to keep going through school I probably need to finish. I don’t know that I am in a position to continue on the path I felt inspired to be on. However if I don’t, I don’t know how I will make the amount of money I need to make to take care of myself and my kids.

It’s a lot of stress and worry. I’ve been hoping to at least get my kids settled in school this month, both at the ones going off to college and with Micah starting a new year at a new school. I don’t know how it will all work out, nor do I even know what exactly I should do.

Unfortunately we couldn’t get life insurance for Ben so the funds are limited in allowing myself time to process. What I do know is it’s likely not going to work very well to become an emotional mess going through the process of trying to get a job. So it’s a balancing act in that way.

I get that others see from the side lines my situation and have their ideas of what I need to do and when. The comments are not helpful, the added pressure is not helpful. Whether to my face or behind my back. I am doing the best that I can, which is probably not doing things perfectly according to logical reasoning. No one who has never been in this boat has any idea of how they would react to this happening to them. I hope as well that you never have to learn how you would react.

It’s been therapeutic to share my process in the other areas of my situation on social media. Maybe I need to share this side of things a bit more too. It’s easier to share the things that are going well.

Regardless…

Please be kind and stop the judgements!

*A friend sent me this after seeing my post. I am grateful for those who choose to show compassion, love, and are trying to understand. Hopefully this can be a reminder that we should all stop and ask ourselves "how is what I am about to say to someone going to help or hinder them?"

~ April

Faith to be Healed August 4, 2023

 

In 2020 I saw this image on Reflections of Christ Instagram page. The caption hit me rather poignantly. I’ve never forgotten it. At the time we were 1 year in to Ben’s life on dialysis and waiting for a kidney transplant. We didn’t know yet that Alen would be a perfect match. Life was hard, at times it felt hopeless and so overwhelming.

Ben was never healed in his earthly life, and he never received that much hoped for transplant, but I know he is healed now through the power of the Atonement. We both went through a lot emotionally, physically, financially over these past 4 years. I would often reflect on this image and the caption the artist put with it.

Today is 2 months since Ben’s passing. While I feel that the kids and I are doing rather well, it has still been tough and stressful. We rely on our faith in that same atoning power to get us through and keep us moving forward. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that this showed up on my doorstep today!

~April

What was posted on the original post I saw of this image:

"Last week while shooting new images, the incredible woman who portrayed ’The Woman with an issue of blood’ taught me. Our actress is, herself, is facing a rare life-threatening disease. We all know how the Bible story goes… Jesus turns because He felt power leave Him. Her faith, and His mercy, were so great that she got that answer, and the answer was healing. But when we began shooting this scene, our amazing woman lunged for His robe so hard and grabbed onto the hem so tightly that SHE RIPPED THE ROBE! #Faith - Can physical healing be denied or delayed when someone is pleading with enough passion to figuratively rip the robe? Yes. It’s hard to hear, but yes. But, what if the story had turned out differently? What if the woman in the Bible was meant to come back home to Heaven? What if Jesus felt her there and turned around and stooped down, “Sweetheart, come here.” What if then, He SAW HER, shared HIS HOPE with her, and shed tears with her? What if instead of healing her, He had said, “My daughter, it’s time to come home. It’s time to stop fighting. Your faith has made you a different kind of whole. Join me in the Kingdom.” And what if this woman, suddenly feeling eternity in the Hem of His Robe simply looked at Him and changed her plan, “Thy Will Be Done.” I, for one, would love the story just as much. It seems like the ISSUE ISN’T AS MUCH ABOUT BEING HEALED BY JESUS AS IT IS BEING ABOUT BEING SEEN BY HIM. It’s about knowing that the Master is in charge and truly knows every hair that falls from our head. He does. He knew her. He knows us. Jesus is always on time.

PS. To those currently ripping the robe, I’m still praying for the first miracle."

Widows July 29, 2023

Yesterday I decided to study a topic. I didn’t have one in mind, just wanted to change things up a bit. I came upon the topic of widows and then went and did a search for scriptures, conference talks, etc. I spent time throughout the day and last night reading these references. I felt the love of my Savior and Heavenly Father for me and other women who fit this category. In a somewhat weird way it felt empowering that my Heavenly Father feels me worthy enough to be in this club. In reading about widows and how their spiritual selves grow, their faith grows, their desire and reliance on Heavenly Father blessing them grows. I finally found a way I can relate to being a widow. I don’t know that I’ve ever felt closer to Him. The communication and inspiration has been almost nonstop. It’s been a lot to take in and process. I’m grateful for the guidance we have in the scriptures and from modern day prophets and apostles on how to be a widow and how to care for widows. I hadn’t really thought about all this before, but it’s pretty powerful stuff!

~April

Link to a Conference Talk that really stood out to me:

The Fatherless and the Widows

Memories of Ben July 28, 2023

 A friend came over last night and left me a gift. I didn’t get to open it until this morning. I just sat and read through all the memories and stories so many friends and family members shared about Ben. Sometimes it can be hard to remember all the good things when you’re in the trenches. Life for Ben got really hard and trying, it affected all of us. I would often find myself a bit frustrated feeling like he was forgetting who he really is. His pain and agony was a lot and I’m sure being the “safe space” we saw most of the hard things at home. Ben had a lot of childhood/growing up year traumas, as a lot of us probably do. I am so proud of Ben living his life in a way to do and be better in overcoming those things. It’s something I’ve tried to do myself in my own life. I don’t think I realized just how good he was at doing and being better until reading all these thoughts and memories of Ben. I’m grateful to continue to have impressions with and about him now that he’s gone and know that he is just as amazing as I always felt he was in his core.

To all who have shared stories and memories, Thank You! It means so much to know many saw what I saw and had to sometimes remind myself I saw and knew about him. If there’s anything we all can learn it’s that even in the hardest and most trying times in our lives, the Light of Christ is within us and we can use that to bless others!

~April

Ben Helping Others July 25, 2023

 This was an unexpected surprise in the mail today. When Ben passed I was asked at the ER if he was an organ donor. I couldn’t remember what he had put on his license and we didn’t have it with us so I couldn’t look at it. I didn’t think there would be much Ben could donate because of all his health issues, but I felt that it was the right thing to do if he could. After all, he was in need of a kidney donation and someone was so kindly willing to help him. That meant so much to us. I think Ben would have liked to help someone else if he could. Later, on the day he passed I got a phone call telling me they were able to use his corneas.

This letter tells us that Ben was able to help 2 people. His name will be placed on a monument in Salt Lake and we can write to the recipients if we would like. It’s pretty awesome to think he was able to help a couple people.

~April

Blessings at the Temple July 25, 2023

 Today at the temple I met 3 women who are friends that came from Tooele to attend the temple together. One of them had moved and they get together often to attend the temple together. They invited me to sit with them and I ended up sharing a bit of my story with them. One of the women lost her husband at 52. They were a blessing to me today and a support I wasn’t expecting.

It reminded me of the Hymn

“As Sisters in Zion”

1.As sisters in Zion, we’ll all work together;

The blessings of God on our labors we’ll seek.

We’ll build up his kingdom with earnest endeavor;

We’ll comfort the weary and strengthen the weak.

2. The errand of angels is given to women;

And this is a gift that, as sisters, we claim:

To do whatsoever is gentle and human,

To cheer and to bless in humanity’s name.

3. How vast is our purpose, how broad is our mission,

If we but fulfill it in spirit and deed.

Oh, naught but the Spirit’s divinest tuition

Can give us the wisdom to truly succeed.

I’m grateful to be a part of a community that looks out for each other and acts how they are prompted to act. I felt their genuine love and care for me, a stranger, but still a sister in Zion!

~April

Patriarchal Blessings: Marriage, Dating, Relationships July 23, 2023

 When I shared the message I gave at Ben’s funeral in Oklahoma I mentioned his patriarchal blessing. I have one for myself as well. I was reading mine again a few days ago, I got mine when I was 17. I am learning and realizing that the parts that speak about dating and marriage for myself don’t just apply to one person. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that at 17! But here I am again at 42 realizing these counsels, guidance and promises apply to me today all over again!

I’ve been thinking a lot about how much of the things Ben and I went through prepared me for the spot I am in now. Because he had been sick for so long and had some “close calls” we’ve had many conversations about what if this became our reality. I know what Ben would like for me, I know the type of person Ben would want for me to end up with and I know he doesn’t want me to be alone.

I don’t know how or when it all works out, but I know it will. That has become very clear to me over the past few weeks. Hoping there’s a plan that doesn’t involve the internet dating cesspool. Been there done that, when it wasn’t socially acceptable!

Inspirations/Impressions About What's to Come: July 13, 2023

I haven’t shared this publicly, but I feel it helps with relating how I’m feeling lately. Back when all the “c” word crap was going on and every one was bullying each other into forcing people to believe or comply with things they think we all should do and giving no regard to what those people were actually feeling was right and best for them…I was being prompted to get vaccinated. This was a huge struggle for me. It was against what I personally felt was right for me. I struggled to navigate if what was happening was coming from inspiration or from all the chatter, chirping and pressure that was so overwhelming during that time. It took several experiences that were clear as day, but I did eventually realize what Heavenly Father wanted me to do. It was so hard for me to do, and it was very emotional to put His will over my own.

This experience has been on my heart and in my mind the past several days. And now I find myself grateful for that experience because it helped me learn new ways in which the Spirit speaks to me. I know how to go about erasing the noise and getting to the bottom of what He’s asking me or preparing me to do.

Over the past weeks I’ve had several inclinations, thoughts, promptings (I am starting to realize), dreams and desires that I am not sure what to do with or if I’m supposed to do anything with or what to think.

What I do know is that Heavenly Father will make things clear in your heart and mind. When we are willing to act and prepare with those inspirations I know that the blessings will flow. The clarity will come and the assurance of what is right will happen. I also know a good place to figure things out is in our Heavenly Fathers house. How grateful I am for temples that are refuges from the noise and a place where we can seek out the meaning/answers to inspirations that can be hard to decipher. Heavenly Father wants to bless us, he wants us to be happy and to have true joy in our lives, even after sad and life altering things happen. I know he wants those things for me and my kids. I know he doesn’t intend for me to live the rest of my life alone. There’s a whole lot I don’t know yet, but I am trying to listen as he guides me, sometimes it just requires us to think outside our own minds and get out of our boxes. For now, I’m thankful for temples, I’m thankful for growth and opportunities to improve myself each day!

~April

July 4, 2023 1 Month Since Ben Passed

 

Today is exactly one month since Ben passed. We have survived a month! We spent the day at Porcupine Reservoir with no phone service, kayaking, paddle boarding and cliff jumping with some family. We ended the night with even more family for a bit of fireworks and dessert.

A month is so short, yet everything seems like a long time ago.

We are so grateful for all the prayers, meals, comments, messages, phone calls, generosity, help and kindness. It’s been overwhelming and I wouldn’t know where to begin in reaching out individually. Please just know that we are so so thankful!

The Power of Prayer July 2, 2023

 

This past month has been a month I didn’t expect to have. It wasn’t in our plans nor even on our radar of something to expect. However hard and life changing this past month has been, the blessings in our lives have not stopped. I’d even argue they have been more abundant than ever. Isn’t that interesting that in our hardest hours, we can still feel our Heavenly Father’s love for us?!

At church today I shared a couple things. My testimony over these past weeks of the power of prayer has grown in somewhat unexpected ways. At times in my life, I have prayed to my Heavenly Father for comfort, peace, reassurance, and confidence, among many other things. I have felt the warmth of the Holy Spirit touching my heart and helping me feel of the real love and understanding only my Heavenly Father and Savior can have for me. We’ve had many times over the years where we know prayers have been said for our benefit. Once years ago, Ben was even placed on the First Presidency’s prayer roll. I don’t recall feeling to the same extent or in the same way the power of those prayers.

These past weeks have been a different confirmation of the power of prayer. I have felt the real tangible strength from the prayers of others for myself and my family. I know without a doubt the many prayers said on our behalf have been what is holding me up, keeping me calm, and providing me with the peace and assurance that all is well and everything is going to work out.

I am also grateful for the blessings that come from making and keeping covenants with our Heavenly Father in His holy temples. Experiences I had there confirmed to me that these blessings are real and extend for generations before and after us. When we strive to live worthy of those blessings, the effects are eternal and far greater than anything we can truly imagine.

I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who answers prayers and keeps His promises as we keep ours. I am equally grateful for a Savior who provided a way, through the Atonement to heal and bring hope.

While it has become a common thing to mock thoughts and prayers in our world, my hope is that we will always offer our genuine thoughts and prayers, it makes all the difference for those suffering.

~April

First Time at the Temple Since Ben Passed June 27, 2023

 First session I’ve attended at the temple since Ben passed! It hit a little differently. I’m so grateful for the blessings of the temple and that Ben lived his life as a worthy Priesthood holder, his choices will bless our family for generations to come. He was a true pioneer of faith.

On a different note, I always love watching the old couples attending the temple together. It made me a little sad to think I won’t get to be one of those old couples at the temple with Ben.

Ben's Political Career

 

Benjamin Nikowa Keel

Political Career

Ben and I met over the phone in July of 2000. During our second phone call in August, we made the crazy decision to marry each other. We were married on January 20th, not so surprisingly on the day George W. Bush was Inaugurated for his first term as President. Ben had some concerns over sharing information about him that he thought would cause me to reject him. One of which was that he was Native American. My response to learning this concern was “Why would that matter?”. Thankfully, I grew up with a love and respect for the native people, because of the love my dad had for them. During the days of our first phone call’s Ben shared with me that he wanted to be a Constitutional Lawyer, working to help his people. The path of Ben’s career was riddled with setbacks and obstacles that were cause by his health. He was diagnosed with lupus in 2003 when our second Zachary was only 6 months old. He spent so much time in and out of hospital stays it affected his path to achieving his goals. However, with the help of our Heavenly Father a path was made for Ben to do more in ways he never imagined in helping his people in the Native American community.

What most of you don’t know is that when Ben was a teenager he received a Patriarchal Blessing. A patriarchal blessing has two main purposes. First, the patriarch (someone who is called and ordained by God through the priesthood) will be inspired to declare your lineage- the tribe of Israel to which you belong. Second, guided by the spirit of prophecy, the patriarch will pronounce blessings and may also provide promises, cautions, or admonitions that apply specifically to you. Your patriarchal blessing may point out certain things you are capable of achieving and blessing you can receive if you exercise faith and live righteously. These blessings are something we hold close and are very personal. When Ben shared his blessing with me I realized how unique it was that Heavenly Father told him that he would find success in providing for his family with a career in Political Science. With this guidance in mind, we made a pointed effort to help him achieve this blessing.

In 2000 prior to Ben and I even knowing each other a first time Oklahoma House of Representatives candidate, Thad Balkman, took a chance on Ben’s 21-year-old self and hired him as his campaign manager. Thad won his election.

We had many years of trying to get Ben through school that he didn’t work in this field and felt at a point that it was time to do whatever we needed to do to get Ben on the career path he was meant to be in.

In 2011 Ben was hired as a legislative assistant for Katie Henke and Arthur Hulbert. He worked as a legislative assistant through 2015 where he worked with and met many amazing Oklahomans, such as Scott Biggs who became a close friend, who all work to make Oklahoma a better place.

From 2011-2012 Ben worked during the off-session time as a Field Director in Green Bay, Wisconsin helping with the Romney Presidential election. He continued to work as a legislative assistant and GOP consultant working in a handful of states including North Dakota.

When the contracts had slowed down Ben found himself trying to find a job working closer to home. After many interviews and hopes that didn’t pan out, and after many prayers seeking guidance in what to do. Ben was reached out to by the Donald Trump campaign asking if he would be interested in working for them here in Oklahoma. We instantly knew that Heavenly Father had put this opportunity in his path and felt the confirmation that this was the answer to our prayers. Ben worked as the Oklahoma Field Director, RNC Whip, and Oklahoma State Director for Donald J. Trump for President Inc. This opportunity gave him a firsthand view of candidate Trump. In 2017 Ben was hired by then President-elect Trump to travel to Washington D.C. And start work as a member of his “beach head team”. President Trump intended to appoint Ben to a position with the Department of Interior, which would have made Ben the first Native American to hold that position in U.S. history. Due to politics, Ben was blocked from this roll. However, he went on to be appointed the Executive Director of the White House Council for Native American Affairs. Where he was able to work on behalf of the administration with all of the tribal leaders in the United States.

During his time at the White House, Ben was able to organize meetings with President Trump and Tribal Leaders as well as other influential people in the Native Community. One of these meetings I got to see the joy and excitement he had in setting up. For the first time in U.S. history President Trump had requested a meeting to solely honor the Navajo Code Talkers in the Oval Office. No other President has invited them alone into the Oval Office, to be honored and acknowledged for their courageous and vital role helping our country during WWII. Driving to and from South Carolina for Thanksgiving Ben spent many hours on the phone with the code talkers and their families trying to do whatever needed to be done to make this meeting possible. His desire and goal were to have all the living code talkers in attendance. All but 2 were able to attend and it was a true highlight of Ben’s time at the White House.

Lisa Billy shared with me a story of an opportunity Ben made possible for her with President Trump. She said “Ben invited me to meet with the President along with some other agriculture leaders from across the U.S.. I was the only Native American and Ben asked me if when I met President Trump if I would speak Chickasaw first. And yes I did, and President Trump was very gracious and honoring to me and asked what language I was speaking. It was a moment and how I wish we could have had our phones and cameras on in the room, but they were not allowed.

It was only because of Ben that I was there meeting with the President. The other people in the room were much more accomplished and had large successful farming operations. Ben just wanted to make sure Native people weren’t left out of this very important conversation about agriculture in America. The President took our 9 recommendations and was able to get things done.”

Another highlight for Ben was that while serving in the White House, he was also able to facilitate and help return monies owed to his own tribe from the federal government. When the new staff started at the HUD department they noticed the government owed the Chickasaw Nation money. The name of the tribe stuck out to them because they had worked with Ben on the campaign trail, and he shared his culture with those he worked with. They connected with him about the discrepancy and asked for his assistance in making things right with his tribe.

After his time at the White House Ben went on to serve in the Office of the Assistant Secretary for Indian Affairs at the U.S. Department of the Interior as well as in the Office of Tribal Relations at the U.S. Department of Agriculture.

After his time with the administration Ben worked as a consultant with the National Congress of the American Indian.

In April 2020 until the time of his death, Ben served as a member of the Native American Working Group Board with the Atlanta Braves. The Working Group members along with the Braves organization have been able to create the first Native American All-Star Baseball Showcase in the league. Where the top 50 high school baseball players of Native American descent from around the country are selected to participate. This gives Native Ball Players the opportunity to be seen by professional scouts and collegiate coaches. The Braves also bring awareness and attention to the National Missing and Murdered Indigenous Persons. They have also created, with the help of Jim Langford, internal and external educational programs to introduce Georgia Native American history curriculum to schools’ systems in the state of Georgia, primarily to 8th graders. During a visit to Atlanta, I also learned that the Braves worked with utility companies to take high-speed internet into rural Native Schools to help provide better learning opportunities and abilities to these Native kids.

Ben found a way, to fulfill his purpose in providing for his family as well and helping his people. Often I would be with Ben in meetings or social settings watching as many high-level people conversed and referred to Ben for his knowledge and expertise with Native Issues. He had a vast knowledge and understanding of things that seemed to be more in depth than others in the room. Ben loved his people; he loved his family, and he worked as hard as he could to make a difference. Ben was a stellar example of not letting political views affect how he saw people. He was able to work with those on both sides of the isle. Sometimes even surprising me with the information on who exactly was actually doing something to help those of the Native Community. He could see the good and the not so great on both sides of the isle and he wasn’t afraid to stand up for and speak up for what he knew to be true. Whether it was President Trump, Al Franken, Larry Echo Hawk, or others, he always saw things with a level head and realistic view of what was being done, by who to help the people he loved and the culture he was a part of.

When I look at his career which is so much shorter than we ever expected I am amazed at all he accomplished, the good he was able to do and the difference he was able to make. I have no doubt that Ben fulfilled his life’s mission on this earth and that our Heavenly Father is pleased with his job well done. I know that his work continues, his love for his ancestors and community continues and the efforts he made during his earthly life will bless those in the Native Community for years to come.

~Shared at Ben's Norman, Oklahoma Memorial by April