Someone shared this cartoon on a widow and widower Facebook group I’m in.
I feel maybe I’ve been a little misleading with the posts I’ve shared. I’ve tried to be open, honest and have definitely been vulnerable by posting as much as I have. But there are things that have been and are hard to accept.
In the coming weeks more things are happening in changes to our home life that make the reality of how much our life has changed more in our faces. So many changes coming and it’s just a lot. I recognize I have some mental and maybe emotional blocks happening and I’m trying to work through them. I’m allowing myself a little bit of time to process, deal and move forward in the ways I need to.
When you spend your entire life for over 20 years being available to your kids at any given time, it’s a lot to realize that is not my reality anymore. I have a almost 14 year old son who will likely end up being mostly alone for hours every day. That’s a prime age for all kinds of issues and things to start popping up that I won’t be aware of. Everyone thinks your kids need you the most when they are little, but really from this age on I have found I’ve been needed the most. And I don’t have a spouse to be here in the times I can’t be here. It’s all on me, every aspect of being a parent and a bread winner.
I started school 2 years ago, because I was inspired to do so. The choices I made in what to study also involved a lot of contemplation, consideration, and prayer. I have a strong desire to finish. In fact to be a sole provider now after spending the past year and half heavily taking care of Ben and trying to keep going through school I probably need to finish. I don’t know that I am in a position to continue on the path I felt inspired to be on. However if I don’t, I don’t know how I will make the amount of money I need to make to take care of myself and my kids.
It’s a lot of stress and worry. I’ve been hoping to at least get my kids settled in school this month, both at the ones going off to college and with Micah starting a new year at a new school. I don’t know how it will all work out, nor do I even know what exactly I should do.
Unfortunately we couldn’t get life insurance for Ben so the funds are limited in allowing myself time to process. What I do know is it’s likely not going to work very well to become an emotional mess going through the process of trying to get a job. So it’s a balancing act in that way.
I get that others see from the side lines my situation and have their ideas of what I need to do and when. The comments are not helpful, the added pressure is not helpful. Whether to my face or behind my back. I am doing the best that I can, which is probably not doing things perfectly according to logical reasoning. No one who has never been in this boat has any idea of how they would react to this happening to them. I hope as well that you never have to learn how you would react.
It’s been therapeutic to share my process in the other areas of my situation on social media. Maybe I need to share this side of things a bit more too. It’s easier to share the things that are going well.
Regardless…
Please be kind and stop the judgements!
*A friend sent me this after seeing my post. I am grateful for those who choose to show compassion, love, and are trying to understand. Hopefully this can be a reminder that we should all stop and ask ourselves "how is what I am about to say to someone going to help or hinder them?"
~ April
No comments:
Post a Comment