Timelines, Dating, Re-Marriage!

 I haven't posted an update in quite some time. There are many reasons for that some of which include not wanting the unsolicited opinions from others as well as to protect my peace and be able to go through this process with a clear head. 

If you have read past posts you will recall that I have mentioned that through prayer, inspiration, and time in the temple it was made clear to me that I would not remain single and should be open and put myself out there concerning meeting people leading to finding who my next spouse would be. I have had several personal and confirming experiences, some including Ben and how he feels along the way. Ben was sick for 20 years, he had many flare-ups that caused us to worry he wouldn't make it. Over the 20 years of health issues and scares we had many conversations about what he'd want me to do if he passed and I was left behind early. We have openly spoken over the years with friends and family about this possibility. We would often even joke about how I might find my next spouse if this happened. 

Unfortunately, this scenario became my reality back in June. When Ben passed I had decided that maybe I wouldn't want to get remarried and just figure things out on my own and not end up with someone else's problem. Hearing stories from people our age in the dating world it sounded like a big nightmare I didn't want to be a part of. About a month after Ben passed I started to have promptings and experiences that caused me to start to feel differently. I realized I was not meant to live the rest of my life alone and I felt strongly I was to process Ben's death and not sit idle in my grief, so I could be prepared when the time would come to start dating. This was hard, but it was good to feel what I needed to while making sure I wasn't stuck in a devastated place. 

A neighbor and friend is also a widow and became a widow at a younger-than-normal age. I was talking to her about all of this and she encouraged me to sign up on a dating app back in September. After a couple days of contemplating this suggestion, I reluctantly decided to create a profile on one. The reluctance was there because of the judgments I had received throughout the entire time since Ben died with a lot of how I was handling things. I knew people would be mad and feel it was too soon. But I knew what I felt and decided I needed to do what Heavenly Father was guiding me to do. I knew I would be very picky about who I would even consider connecting with. I would not lower my standards or desires for anyone. I spent about a month on that app and mostly just rejected people. Nothing came of it. 

A friend had told me about Facebook having a dating app when I signed up on the other one. I wasn't interested in it, because I didn't know how I would weed out people not of my faith or with the same standards and desires. In the middle of October, I felt like maybe I should give it a try. It wouldn't be any worse than rejecting people on the church one. After almost a week of being on Facebook dating, I connected with a small-town single dad from Idaho named Logan. We started talking and have spoken every day since the first day we connected. We had very similar experiences, we had the same desires for our family and we wanted the same things in a relationship. A couple weeks after we started talking we met in person. We started dating weekly, which quickly turned to twice a week, and then added weekends in one of our areas.

One week after we started talking I had a General Authority from my church in my home visiting me and the boys. I brought up some issues with him that widows in our church face and asked him for his advice on the matter. Many widows in our church struggle to find good men who can accept and overlook the fact that we cannot be sealed in the temple to them because we are sealed to our husbands who have passed on. Many widows end up rejected or even divorced by men who can't overcome this issue. I didn't want that heartache, so I hoped and prayed I'd find a way to avoid it happening to me. He shared his thoughts along with his counsel and advice on what I should look for in a new spouse.  As he was speaking I was impressed that he was describing the type of person I was learning Logan was. I decided I really needed to pay attention to him and pursue getting to know him and having a relationship with him.

We spent the first half of our dating relationship searching for red flags and issues that would cause us to realize if we were a good match or not, before too many feelings developed. The more we learned, the more we realized and began to know that we had been led to each other. 

During this time I would often get comments from people who see me regularly about how happy I was and they'd question what was going on in my life causing this shift. I started meeting with a therapist who also commented the same. 

Logan is the type of person that I hoped I would find. He is also the type of person Ben would often comment on wanting me to find should he pass. Logan and I ended up eloping a month ago. He respects and loves me just the way I am. He understands his role in our lives is not to replace Ben, but to be an addition. He understands and respects that Ben will always be a part of our lives and our family. His views on being sealed and being a widow align with the views I have on it and with what I was counseled by the General Authority that visited my home back in October. 

This process has come with a great deal of scrutiny, judgments, and opinions from both friends and family (mine and Ben's). Some of my kids have struggled with this happening as well. Micah (who is the most affected by all this) is so happy and loves Logan and his kids.  For these reasons, I chose to keep this off social media until now. What I do know is when we tune out the noise and follow and act on the things we are prompted to do, our Heavenly Father stands ready to bless us. Often, actually most times, that is not how or when or maybe even what we expect it to look like. I'm grateful for the ability to realize how love can grow and expand. I have learned through all of this how important it is to not judge people and the paths they are on. We have no idea, nor any place to judge another persons heart, grief, or intentions. As my therapist told me, timelines are relative and unique to each person and situation. There is no right or wrong timeline in a situation like mine. Until we are in a situation we have no idea whatsoever what we would do or how we would respond to the challenges we each will uniquely face. I know for myself, none of this has gone when or how I thought it would go, but I wouldn't change any of it. Everyones experience is their own and there's space and room for all of us to be exactly where we are in our journey through life. 

Widows and Widowers Get Together!

  

After returning from Ben's services in Oklahoma, my friend and neighbor took me to lunch. She is also a widow, and this lunch was my first "widow lunch." It was so nice to talk to someone who has been through this similar experience. 

During our lunch, she recommended that I find a group that is on Facebook for Widows and Widowers, specifically from our faith. At this point in this process, I was unsure I was ready to accept and call myself a widow. It felt like such a strange association to make. Usually, when we think of widows, we think of cute older ladies who are so sweet and missing their companions of many decades. Widowhood for them probably doesn't seem as unexpected and out of the realm of possibility. 

A bit reluctantly, I came home, got on Facebook to search for the group, and then clicked "join". Thankfully, to join this group, you must verify your status by sending a link to your spouse's obituary or providing proof that you are a widow or widower. I wasn't approved until the next day. 

When I first started checking out this group and reading the posts, I felt very disconnected from what others' experiences were. I wasn't feeling much of the same despair, heartache, and lack of seeing much hope for the future. Honestly, it felt like quite a depressing Facebook group to be a part of. 

I decided to stay and see how it would go and progress. I have learned a lot from this group. Both good and not-so-great places I would like to avoid going into on my journey. I decided pretty quickly that I was not going to be someone who, years later, after Ben's passing, struggles to have joy and happiness in my life. I didn't want to be the person posting 2,3,5+ years later who is still so emotionally devastated. My heart goes out to these people, but my inner self was just not going to have it for my experience. I think there are things we can decide; there's a lot we can't control, but much we can decide. The people in this group are so supportive, kind, and helpful with each other. 

Anyway, a gathering was planned for a couple Saturdays ago at the Brickoven Pizza in Provo. I decided to go again, reluctantly. I was going to go alone, but I decided to ask my neighbor if she was going. We ended up going together, which was really nice. There ended up being 100 people that came. I was one of the youngest people there and the most recent widow there. 

During dinner, I was able to share my story and the experiences I have had since Ben passed with those I was seated around. A sweet lady in her 80s sitting across the table from me really took to me and wanted to give me all her advice. It was hard to hear everything because everyone in the room was talking. I think I was getting about 75% of what she was saying. Her son was with her, and he is a widower himself. A lady who was sitting at the end of the table started listening to our conversation. She caught wind that I was made a widow on June 4th. She got up and had to come give me a hug. Then she sat down behind me and started talking to me. I learned that she was my age. Her husband passed from an extremely rare form of cancer 3 years ago. She has about the same number of kids and recently got engaged to re-marry.

There were so many similar but different stories. I walked away feeling so supported, validated, and less alone in processing all that needed to be processed. It's so interesting how common it is for widows/widowers to feel impressed, prompted, and blessed in many of the same ways about the same types of things. When we got in the car and were driving home, I told my friend how it was so nice to not feel like I am totally insane, abnormal, or wrong in the things I have felt and experienced. I was again reminded that Heavenly Father has a special place in his heart for widows and the fatherless. It's the "club no one wants to be a part of," and I believe fully that Heavenly Father does all that he can to reassure and bring peace to those whose lives have been turned upside down. Of course, we have things we have to navigate on our own, but I believe He inspires and gives us promptings on things that will give us peace of mind and hope that all will be okay. 

I suppose I am finding my place and need with this unexpected Facebook group of people.

~April 

Beaten to A Pulp...

Things these past few weeks have been rather rough. I recalled how when we first moved to Utah after a hard trial during our end time in Virginia and learning Ben was in kidney failure, posting to Facebook that I felt like our life theme song or my life theme song is this section of lyrics from a popular song some number of years ago:

"...I get knocked down, but I get up again. 

You're never gonna keep me down. 

I get knocked down, but I get up again. 

You're never gonna keep me down..." 

These lyrics still seem so applicable 4 years later. I often catch myself with them going on in my mind and I keep trying to move forward and keep myself in a positive place. Some days it seems like quite the battle going on. 

These past several days I have realized just how beat down I feel. It seems like someone is holding me down while I'm constantly pounded by everything. I had the thought that I feel like I'm being beaten to a pulp. I decided to look into what that actually means and came across this definition of beating the pulp in the process of making paper. 

This definition seemed to describe exactly how I am feeling. I hope to become something "usable" at the end of this process. At least I could become some sort of nice stationery. Life has seemed so challenging and hard for so many years at this point. I keep going and keep trying to learn and become better as I hope for a reprieve to be around the next corner. 

For so many years, I put myself on a back burner as anything I was going through felt so small compared to what Ben was going through. I often felt there wasn't space for me to be the one that wasn't okay. I had to be ok because if I wasn't ok there was no one else that could pick up the slack and keep things going. Sometimes when I'd try to let myself feel what I was feeling, or vocalize not being ok, I would be told things like "You're being too focused on yourself", "You don't care enough about Ben", or my kids. Or "You need to do this and this", and "You're not doing enough to help your own situation" among many other things. I would start to feel guilty that I was on a bit of a struggle bus and work to suppress what I was going through so I could be the strong one again. Whether it was for Ben or my kids, I felt like I had to always hold it all together. 

What I have found is that when you're married to someone with chronic illness, it's hard for people to remember and even think about how that person's illness affects their spouse and their children too. The whole family is affected in different ways, yet being the "healthy" ones you're expected to always be exactly what the sick person needs, or what other people think you need to be for them. 

I changed a lot of who I was for Ben. So I could do more things with Ben that he could do or enjoyed doing. Funny enough, I hated politics and I vowed I would marry someone who was not overly into sports. I grew up with golf and football ruling the tv time and I didn't enjoy it at all. Somehow I found someone who was more into sports than my dad was, and I married him! That is somewhat of a miracle, with how I felt about it. Because I loved Ben and wanted to spend as much time as I could with him, I grew a love for politics and even for OU football! I still prefer going to games rather than watching them on TV, but I would always be up for throwing a watch party to watch a game. Probably because that meant good food and friends to hang out with while it was on. Ben couldn't do a lot of active activities, which I enjoyed doing. I loved being outdoors, I grew up rollerblading, ice skating on frozen ponds during the winter, and bike riding. We would go boating, camping, and fishing growing up. A lot of these things Ben couldn't do physically or he just didn't have interest in doing them. Over the years I would have times of feeling frustrated with him and the lack of doing things I enjoyed instead of everything he enjoyed. I would try to find things we could both enjoy together and I would say finding good food, making good food, and sharing good food with friends and family became something we enjoyed a great deal. Instead of being physically active we would watch movies or go to dinner. Mostly I learned that I just wanted to be with Ben even if that meant not doing some things I wish we could do together. However, I did find myself sometimes feeling a bit lost in it all. 

 Now that he is gone, it's like finding myself all over again. I am finding that to be more of a struggle than I thought it would be. It seems so easy to think about how I want to live my life now and I don't have another person to consider. I can eat how I want/enjoy eating, I can do what I enjoy doing, and there's nothing to stop me, aside from myself. And somehow it's a struggle to shift my life in the direction I want. I miss having a person to encourage and do things with. Or a person to bounce off the options, ideas, or inspiration with and decide together. I am feeling a little lost, in a different way now that I am on my own and I can't say it's any easier than feeling lost in someone else. I just plain don't know what to do, or how to go about doing the things I'm feeling I should do. Not much seems to be coming together and I don't know what to do about it. 

Today in church some keywords struck me that were talked about or mentioned in our sacrament meeting; Personal Revelation, True Joy,  The Atonement, and Spiritual Gifts. I couldn't sing the hymns today, but I read the words as the congregation sang them. The 3rd and 4th verses of the sacrament hymn felt directed at me personally. 

"Bid thine heart all strife to cease;

 With thy brethren be at peace. 

Oh, forgive as thou wouldst be. 

E'en forgiven now by me. 

In the solemn faith of prayer

Cast upon me all thy care,

And my Spirit's grace shall be

Like a fountain unto thee. 

At the throne I intercede;

For thee ever do I plead.

I have loved thee as thy friend,

With a love that cannot end.

Be obedient, I implore,

Prayerful, watchful evermore,

And be constant unto me, 

That thy Savior I may be. 

We often think of the Atonement as helping us to overcome our sins, but I read this quote today that gives a fuller picture of what it applies to. 

"The Savior's healing and redeeming power applies to accidental mistakes, 

poor decisions, challenges, and trials of every kind

 -as well as to our sins"

 (Elder Peter F. Meurs)

I have gone through a lot of really hard trials throughout my life. This week I have felt that I don't think the hard trials are ever going to not be there. My heart and my mind are so tired. The reprieve I seek seems to be found when I invite the Savior into my daily life through prayer, reading the scriptures, and attending the temple. Maybe the reprieve isn't as big of an "event" as I hoped it could be. Maybe it's little moments, individual days at a time spaced out over time. While I wish and still hope that things can ease up, I don't know that they will. What I do know is that I can grow and improve on the person that I am. I hope that in my efforts I can become the person my Heavenly Father is trying to help me become and one day my pulp beating can turn into a lovely piece of stationary that can benefit someone else somehow. 

~April

 

Miracles

 

A sister in my ward shared her testimony about miracles in a sacrament meeting not long ago. A friend from my growing-up ward has a daughter who has gone through a very substantial medical trial, spending 3 months in the hospital and never really receiving answers about what caused her medical trauma. I was reading the scriptures this afternoon at the temple, and the chapter was about miracles. 

Miracles have been on my mind quite a bit lately. I came across a quote by Elder Rasband that said:

"Many of you have witnessed miracles, more than you realize. They may seem small in comparison to Jesus raising the dead. But the magnitude does not distinguish a miracle, only that it came from God."

We often associate miracles as Christ healing the blind, raising Lazareth from the dead, walking on water, parting the Red Sea, and all the other vast, impressive, and seemingly impossible things that the Savior did. 

In Moroni Chapter 7, verses 27 and 29, we learn when the question "...Have miracles ceased because Christ hath ascended into heaven?" is posed, "...Nah, neither have angels ceased to minister unto the children of men." Miracles continue to happen every day; they happen all around us in our lives and in the lives of others. 

My friend shared about his daughter fighting for her life and that they had prayed for a long time to have another child. That miracle hasn't happened yet. He prayed to Heavenly Father that he needed that miracle to be granted now and to save his daughter, their only child, from being taken from them. I prayed for their little girl and have kept her name on the prayer roll at the temple every time I've gone over these past few months. My heart ached for them and this sweet girl I have never met. Miraculously, this little girl is still with her sweet family. She has returned home from the hospital, and the miracle seems granted to them. 

When going through a complex trial, challenging situation, or life-altering events, it can sometimes be hard to recognize the miracles that are taking place. 

I loved this quote from President Monson. He said, "If, why, where, how - those recurring words - do not bring back the lost son, the perfect body, the plans of parents, or the dreams of youth. Self-pitty, personal withdrawal, or deep despair will not bring the needed peace, assurance, or help. Rather, we must go forward, look upward, move onward, and rise heavenward." he continued, "It is imperative that we recognize that whatever has happened to us has happened to others. They have coped, and so must we. We are not alone. Heavenly Father's help is near." 

When I've been thinking about miracles over these past weeks, I have realized that so many have taken place. Even in the life-altering event of Ben's unexpected passing, I have seen the miracles surrounding him and our family. 

It's a miracle that Ben was released from the rehab center and made it to family pictures a week before his passing.

It's a miracle that he spent time with many of those he loved and cared about in his last week.

It's a miracle that Ben was able to have some hope in learning that his recovery and healing from his recent surgery were going so well and that he could be cleared for his transplant surgery to be scheduled.

It's a miracle that Ben could have one of his most enjoyable weeks as his last week with us. 

It's a miracle that when it became Ben's time to go, he could go quickly and not suffer excessively.

It's a miracle that despite our grief, uncertainty, and fears, we are continuing to move forward in figuring out what life looks like now that he's gone. 

It's a miracle that when our loved ones pass to the other side, we can still feel them and know that they are supporting us in our trials and helping us continue on the path we are to follow. 

I am grateful for these (and many other) miracles we've experienced through this trial. I am thankful for a Heavenly Father who constantly reminds us he is aware of our needs, including our need to see his love daily. 

While most miracles are not grand and impossible, the small daily miracles are just as impactful and remind us that all good things come from our Savior and our Heavenly Father, whose love for us is never-ending. 

President Monson shared the words of this hymn in his talk I read, and I'll end this with those words. 

"When upon life's billows you are tempest-tossed,

When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,

Count your many blessings; name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord has done...

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?

Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?

Count your many blessings; ev'ry doubt will fly,

And you will be singing as the days go by. ...

So, amid the conflict, whether great or small,

Do not be discouraged; God is over all.

Count your many blessings; angels will attend, 

Help and comfort give you to your journey's end." (Hymns no. 241)

 Most miracles are small reminders that God is aware, guiding our path, and blessing us along the way.

~April 

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What Are You Hoping For In This Next Chapter?..

Tonight as I scrolled my social media before going to bed, I came upon a post that Emily Belle Freeman had just posted. She asked the question that is the title of this blog post: What Are You Hoping For In This Next Chapter? 

I instantly became emotional as so many thoughts rushed through my mind. My next chapter is missing a person. A person I have lived most of my life with. My next chapter involves changing how I go about my daily life. My next chapter means more people leaving my home and being down to household numbers I haven't had in nearly 20 years. My next chapter is full of so much uncertainty not only for myself but for my 4 kids. My next chapter feels especially hard, in so many ways. 

I have so many thoughts...

After all the funeral services and returning back home to Utah. I came across an entry I hadn't come across before in one of Ben's mission journals. He would have written it sometime in September of 1999 (He didn't date it but based off the entry prior and the entry after it would have been sometime that month). Ben's birthday is in September, there's a part of me that wonders if these were his thoughts on that day. This would have also been about a year before we met.

 I feel that I should share this entry for some reason. 

It is titled:

What I Would Want Said at My Own Funeral

I would wish to be a loving father to my children. I would wish that they remember me as being gentle, kind, compassionate, teaching them the love of God, helping to nurture them with the gospel, strengthening their testimonies and being an example to them. 

I would wish to leave a wife who is devoted to the Lord. Who has shared with me joys brought by living the gospel. 

In my life I would wish to be a true friend, a true person never being bitter, angry, always being filled with charity. I would wish to be patient, meek, and humble before the Lord. I would wish to be clean and worthy to serve Him anywhere in anyway. To be obedient, honest, and faithful.

To be worthy of exaltation and eternal life. 

When I came across this entry, I was struck with the humility and deep desire he had all those years ago to live a good, worthy and honest life. Had I seen this before the funeral services it would have felt fully appropriate to share. As my assessment is he did a pretty good job making his wishes, of what he desired as a young man come true. Despite everything he went through in his 44 years of life. 

Over the past year I was impressed with the realization that he is someone who would have legitimate reasons to miss church and stay home. His pain was so bad, but I can probably count on less than one hand the number of Sundays he missed when he was home and not in a hospital or rehab center. Ben was and is devoted to his Heavenly Father and Savior. I am so grateful for his example to our family in pressing forward, even when you don't feel like you can physically move forward anymore. 

I wish we could have shared this at his funeral!

Back to what I am hoping for in this next chapter, but first I will share a little of some experiences I had in his last weeks with us and a little relationship history. 

Ben and I met over the phone, probably not so randomly, but to us it was, In the late summer of 2000. A friendly phone call with my chatty self! I will talk to anyone and can talk for hours. I love getting to know people. Crazy enough on our second phone call in late August of 2000, we decided we were supposed to get married, chose a date to do it and made a plan. Ben called the Bountiful temple to schedule our marriage the next morning for January 20, 2001, and we likely sent both sides of our families into deep shock and panic.  We didn't even know what the other looked like yet! 

We didn't know each other very well, we were young and we were both strong willed people. We also faced a lot of opposition, skepticism, and judgement for many years into our marriage. Ben became super sick when our second son was 6 months old, and that's when he was diagnosed with lupus. That diagnosis affected Ben's health and our relationship until he died in June. Lots of rough times, lots of stress, lots of judgements on us. It was really tough a lot of the time. However, there were always blessings, fun times, hope and lots of learning opportunities, not only about ourselves, but each other as well. Going through so many tough things and often feeling like it was us against the world, we grew a love and a bond that couldn't be broken. Though I am pretty sure that was a re-realized love and bond from our life before coming to earth.

Things over the past few years have been different than any other block of time we've had in our married life. The stress, exhaustion and frustration sometimes got the best of us, yet things were handled better than we would handle them as our younger selves. We could have conversations about issues with minimal explosions of frustration with each other. I became mostly a caregiver for Ben, having to drive him everywhere he needed to go. Taking care of him after his surgeries and being with him at the hospitals and rehab centers. Some of my favorite times in those last weeks became going up to check him out of the rehab center and us being able to go to dinner, just the two of us. We rarely had time to just be the two of us as our house was full and rarely empty. We talked about a lot of things. Some of them being hard things and some of the conversations were reflecting on how far we had come over all these years. 

At some point during Ben's last week with us we, were driving in the car, just the two of us. Probably to some appointment. While driving in the car, I don't even think we were talking, just riding. I felt an immense feeling of love and happiness towards Ben and in just being with him. It was a tangible feeling and so strong. I can only describe it as what I would imagine is a pure heavenly love and joy. That moment in the car within days of his passing has been something I've held onto since he left me that Sunday morning in June. I have felt that same feeling from him frequently since he has passed when I've been in the temple. I feel this has had a lot to do with how I've handled his passing and the things I've been inspired to do. 

I miss Ben. I can't tell you the number of times I thought "Oh I need to text Ben this, or that" or anticipated a night time pillow talk about all the things going on. Or even vent to him about things that are going on. Everything is so different now. 

So what do I hope for? 

I hope to keep moving forward in whatever way Heavenly Father and Ben are wanting me to move

I hope to never forget the spiritual experiences I have had

I hope for prayers to continue to be answered

I hope for clarity to continue to come in regards to impressions/inspirations I have had and will have

I hope for my kids to thrive and progress in the ways they need to 

I hope for my kids to feel their dad and know that he is there with them, always

I hope for peace, continued joy and happiness in my life and relationships

I hope to continue to feel as close to my Heavenly Father and Savior as I have these past few months

I hope to be the mom to my kids that they need and Heavenly Father wants me to be

I hope to prove to myself that I will be ok and I can do things that I would normally shy away from when prompted

I hope to find success

I hope for everything to work out and be ok

I hope to serve and bless others

I know that Heavenly Father loves each and every one of us. I know this because I have personally felt his love for me in my deepest times of need. I see it everyday in the people, the angels (both on earth and from the other side) he sends into my path to bless and care for me and my kids on his behalf. We are all God's children. I think that is one of the most powerful things we can know. Hope is possible because of that knowledge and one thing I've learned, there is always hope and it never runs out!

One little social media post, yet one very loaded question!

~April

We Get to Choose!

 

Over the past few weeks I have been pondering on this song and what it means to me. I wanted to write down my thoughts about it.

A regular theme for me seems to be to be awaken in the night with insights, promptings, inspirations, nerves, or a combination of these things.  One night I was awaken in the very early morning hours and the words to this hymn entered my mind. This is not a hymn I know overly well, but one I have heard before. It's never come to my mind before, so I know it was a little reminder nugget from Heaven. 

As I have pondered over this hymn and the message it shares, it applies to so many situations and all of us.  In the scriptures we learn that Heavenly Father does not wish to control us and prevent us from deciding for ourselves. In Helaman 14:30 it explains the gift of knowledge helps us to be able to choose for ourselves. It says: ..."ye are free, ye are permitted to act for yourselves; for behold, God hath given unto you a knowledge and he hath made you free." 

When I consider this in reference to all that I have been trying to navigate, and all the judgements and unkind comments that have been said to me in regards to how I am handling and processing everything. I have been empowered with the knowledge that just as everyone else gets to choose the type of person they want to be, and what they think is appropriate to say or do, I get to decide the type of person I want to be. We also know that we will each be held accountable for the choices we make and how we treat others. While we are free to choose, we are not free to choose how we will be held accountable for what we choose.

Over the past weeks, I have made some choices on who I want to be and how I want to go about navigating the path I have now been put on. A path I didn't get to choose, but was placed on. 

I CHOOSE TO:

- Seek and follow guidance from my Heavenly Father

- Be open to whatever he wants me to be open to

- Act in the ways I need to act so that I can receive the blessings he has in store for me

- Trust my intuition and not let others deter me from what I know is right for me and my kids

- To live Heavenly Fathers timeline and not my own or anyone else's

- Not allow myself to live a life stuck in deep despair and sadness

- Live with joy and gratitude

- Never take people for granted that are placed on my path to bless and enrich my life

I believe that we have the ability to choose so much more in our lives than we might think sometimes. We can choose how we grieve. We can choose how we go about our lives day to day. We can choose to give grace and understanding to others. We can choose to be offended and hurt, and we can choose to not be. We can choose to forgive. When we choose to seek the good in others and even in our yuck situations, we can be more like our Savior and emulate his love and light into the world. 

~April

Be Kind, Be Helpful August 5, 2023

 

Someone shared this cartoon on a widow and widower Facebook group I’m in.

I feel maybe I’ve been a little misleading with the posts I’ve shared. I’ve tried to be open, honest and have definitely been vulnerable by posting as much as I have. But there are things that have been and are hard to accept.

In the coming weeks more things are happening in changes to our home life that make the reality of how much our life has changed more in our faces. So many changes coming and it’s just a lot. I recognize I have some mental and maybe emotional blocks happening and I’m trying to work through them. I’m allowing myself a little bit of time to process, deal and move forward in the ways I need to.

When you spend your entire life for over 20 years being available to your kids at any given time, it’s a lot to realize that is not my reality anymore. I have a almost 14 year old son who will likely end up being mostly alone for hours every day. That’s a prime age for all kinds of issues and things to start popping up that I won’t be aware of. Everyone thinks your kids need you the most when they are little, but really from this age on I have found I’ve been needed the most. And I don’t have a spouse to be here in the times I can’t be here. It’s all on me, every aspect of being a parent and a bread winner.

I started school 2 years ago, because I was inspired to do so. The choices I made in what to study also involved a lot of contemplation, consideration, and prayer. I have a strong desire to finish. In fact to be a sole provider now after spending the past year and half heavily taking care of Ben and trying to keep going through school I probably need to finish. I don’t know that I am in a position to continue on the path I felt inspired to be on. However if I don’t, I don’t know how I will make the amount of money I need to make to take care of myself and my kids.

It’s a lot of stress and worry. I’ve been hoping to at least get my kids settled in school this month, both at the ones going off to college and with Micah starting a new year at a new school. I don’t know how it will all work out, nor do I even know what exactly I should do.

Unfortunately we couldn’t get life insurance for Ben so the funds are limited in allowing myself time to process. What I do know is it’s likely not going to work very well to become an emotional mess going through the process of trying to get a job. So it’s a balancing act in that way.

I get that others see from the side lines my situation and have their ideas of what I need to do and when. The comments are not helpful, the added pressure is not helpful. Whether to my face or behind my back. I am doing the best that I can, which is probably not doing things perfectly according to logical reasoning. No one who has never been in this boat has any idea of how they would react to this happening to them. I hope as well that you never have to learn how you would react.

It’s been therapeutic to share my process in the other areas of my situation on social media. Maybe I need to share this side of things a bit more too. It’s easier to share the things that are going well.

Regardless…

Please be kind and stop the judgements!

*A friend sent me this after seeing my post. I am grateful for those who choose to show compassion, love, and are trying to understand. Hopefully this can be a reminder that we should all stop and ask ourselves "how is what I am about to say to someone going to help or hinder them?"

~ April