Beaten to A Pulp...

Things these past few weeks have been rather rough. I recalled how when we first moved to Utah after a hard trial during our end time in Virginia and learning Ben was in kidney failure, posting to Facebook that I felt like our life theme song or my life theme song is this section of lyrics from a popular song some number of years ago:

"...I get knocked down, but I get up again. 

You're never gonna keep me down. 

I get knocked down, but I get up again. 

You're never gonna keep me down..." 

These lyrics still seem so applicable 4 years later. I often catch myself with them going on in my mind and I keep trying to move forward and keep myself in a positive place. Some days it seems like quite the battle going on. 

These past several days I have realized just how beat down I feel. It seems like someone is holding me down while I'm constantly pounded by everything. I had the thought that I feel like I'm being beaten to a pulp. I decided to look into what that actually means and came across this definition of beating the pulp in the process of making paper. 

This definition seemed to describe exactly how I am feeling. I hope to become something "usable" at the end of this process. At least I could become some sort of nice stationery. Life has seemed so challenging and hard for so many years at this point. I keep going and keep trying to learn and become better as I hope for a reprieve to be around the next corner. 

For so many years, I put myself on a back burner as anything I was going through felt so small compared to what Ben was going through. I often felt there wasn't space for me to be the one that wasn't okay. I had to be ok because if I wasn't ok there was no one else that could pick up the slack and keep things going. Sometimes when I'd try to let myself feel what I was feeling, or vocalize not being ok, I would be told things like "You're being too focused on yourself", "You don't care enough about Ben", or my kids. Or "You need to do this and this", and "You're not doing enough to help your own situation" among many other things. I would start to feel guilty that I was on a bit of a struggle bus and work to suppress what I was going through so I could be the strong one again. Whether it was for Ben or my kids, I felt like I had to always hold it all together. 

What I have found is that when you're married to someone with chronic illness, it's hard for people to remember and even think about how that person's illness affects their spouse and their children too. The whole family is affected in different ways, yet being the "healthy" ones you're expected to always be exactly what the sick person needs, or what other people think you need to be for them. 

I changed a lot of who I was for Ben. So I could do more things with Ben that he could do or enjoyed doing. Funny enough, I hated politics and I vowed I would marry someone who was not overly into sports. I grew up with golf and football ruling the tv time and I didn't enjoy it at all. Somehow I found someone who was more into sports than my dad was, and I married him! That is somewhat of a miracle, with how I felt about it. Because I loved Ben and wanted to spend as much time as I could with him, I grew a love for politics and even for OU football! I still prefer going to games rather than watching them on TV, but I would always be up for throwing a watch party to watch a game. Probably because that meant good food and friends to hang out with while it was on. Ben couldn't do a lot of active activities, which I enjoyed doing. I loved being outdoors, I grew up rollerblading, ice skating on frozen ponds during the winter, and bike riding. We would go boating, camping, and fishing growing up. A lot of these things Ben couldn't do physically or he just didn't have interest in doing them. Over the years I would have times of feeling frustrated with him and the lack of doing things I enjoyed instead of everything he enjoyed. I would try to find things we could both enjoy together and I would say finding good food, making good food, and sharing good food with friends and family became something we enjoyed a great deal. Instead of being physically active we would watch movies or go to dinner. Mostly I learned that I just wanted to be with Ben even if that meant not doing some things I wish we could do together. However, I did find myself sometimes feeling a bit lost in it all. 

 Now that he is gone, it's like finding myself all over again. I am finding that to be more of a struggle than I thought it would be. It seems so easy to think about how I want to live my life now and I don't have another person to consider. I can eat how I want/enjoy eating, I can do what I enjoy doing, and there's nothing to stop me, aside from myself. And somehow it's a struggle to shift my life in the direction I want. I miss having a person to encourage and do things with. Or a person to bounce off the options, ideas, or inspiration with and decide together. I am feeling a little lost, in a different way now that I am on my own and I can't say it's any easier than feeling lost in someone else. I just plain don't know what to do, or how to go about doing the things I'm feeling I should do. Not much seems to be coming together and I don't know what to do about it. 

Today in church some keywords struck me that were talked about or mentioned in our sacrament meeting; Personal Revelation, True Joy,  The Atonement, and Spiritual Gifts. I couldn't sing the hymns today, but I read the words as the congregation sang them. The 3rd and 4th verses of the sacrament hymn felt directed at me personally. 

"Bid thine heart all strife to cease;

 With thy brethren be at peace. 

Oh, forgive as thou wouldst be. 

E'en forgiven now by me. 

In the solemn faith of prayer

Cast upon me all thy care,

And my Spirit's grace shall be

Like a fountain unto thee. 

At the throne I intercede;

For thee ever do I plead.

I have loved thee as thy friend,

With a love that cannot end.

Be obedient, I implore,

Prayerful, watchful evermore,

And be constant unto me, 

That thy Savior I may be. 

We often think of the Atonement as helping us to overcome our sins, but I read this quote today that gives a fuller picture of what it applies to. 

"The Savior's healing and redeeming power applies to accidental mistakes, 

poor decisions, challenges, and trials of every kind

 -as well as to our sins"

 (Elder Peter F. Meurs)

I have gone through a lot of really hard trials throughout my life. This week I have felt that I don't think the hard trials are ever going to not be there. My heart and my mind are so tired. The reprieve I seek seems to be found when I invite the Savior into my daily life through prayer, reading the scriptures, and attending the temple. Maybe the reprieve isn't as big of an "event" as I hoped it could be. Maybe it's little moments, individual days at a time spaced out over time. While I wish and still hope that things can ease up, I don't know that they will. What I do know is that I can grow and improve on the person that I am. I hope that in my efforts I can become the person my Heavenly Father is trying to help me become and one day my pulp beating can turn into a lovely piece of stationary that can benefit someone else somehow. 

~April