I haven't posted an update in quite some time. There are many reasons for that some of which include not wanting the unsolicited opinions from others as well as to protect my peace and be able to go through this process with a clear head.
If you have read past posts you will recall that I have mentioned that through prayer, inspiration, and time in the temple it was made clear to me that I would not remain single and should be open and put myself out there concerning meeting people leading to finding who my next spouse would be. I have had several personal and confirming experiences, some including Ben and how he feels along the way. Ben was sick for 20 years, he had many flare-ups that caused us to worry he wouldn't make it. Over the 20 years of health issues and scares we had many conversations about what he'd want me to do if he passed and I was left behind early. We have openly spoken over the years with friends and family about this possibility. We would often even joke about how I might find my next spouse if this happened.
Unfortunately, this scenario became my reality back in June. When Ben passed I had decided that maybe I wouldn't want to get remarried and just figure things out on my own and not end up with someone else's problem. Hearing stories from people our age in the dating world it sounded like a big nightmare I didn't want to be a part of. About a month after Ben passed I started to have promptings and experiences that caused me to start to feel differently. I realized I was not meant to live the rest of my life alone and I felt strongly I was to process Ben's death and not sit idle in my grief, so I could be prepared when the time would come to start dating. This was hard, but it was good to feel what I needed to while making sure I wasn't stuck in a devastated place.
A neighbor and friend is also a widow and became a widow at a younger-than-normal age. I was talking to her about all of this and she encouraged me to sign up on a dating app back in September. After a couple days of contemplating this suggestion, I reluctantly decided to create a profile on one. The reluctance was there because of the judgments I had received throughout the entire time since Ben died with a lot of how I was handling things. I knew people would be mad and feel it was too soon. But I knew what I felt and decided I needed to do what Heavenly Father was guiding me to do. I knew I would be very picky about who I would even consider connecting with. I would not lower my standards or desires for anyone. I spent about a month on that app and mostly just rejected people. Nothing came of it.
A friend had told me about Facebook having a dating app when I signed up on the other one. I wasn't interested in it, because I didn't know how I would weed out people not of my faith or with the same standards and desires. In the middle of October, I felt like maybe I should give it a try. It wouldn't be any worse than rejecting people on the church one. After almost a week of being on Facebook dating, I connected with a small-town single dad from Idaho named Logan. We started talking and have spoken every day since the first day we connected. We had very similar experiences, we had the same desires for our family and we wanted the same things in a relationship. A couple weeks after we started talking we met in person. We started dating weekly, which quickly turned to twice a week, and then added weekends in one of our areas.
One week after we started talking I had a General Authority from my church in my home visiting me and the boys. I brought up some issues with him that widows in our church face and asked him for his advice on the matter. Many widows in our church struggle to find good men who can accept and overlook the fact that we cannot be sealed in the temple to them because we are sealed to our husbands who have passed on. Many widows end up rejected or even divorced by men who can't overcome this issue. I didn't want that heartache, so I hoped and prayed I'd find a way to avoid it happening to me. He shared his thoughts along with his counsel and advice on what I should look for in a new spouse. As he was speaking I was impressed that he was describing the type of person I was learning Logan was. I decided I really needed to pay attention to him and pursue getting to know him and having a relationship with him.
We spent the first half of our dating relationship searching for red flags and issues that would cause us to realize if we were a good match or not, before too many feelings developed. The more we learned, the more we realized and began to know that we had been led to each other.
During this time I would often get comments from people who see me regularly about how happy I was and they'd question what was going on in my life causing this shift. I started meeting with a therapist who also commented the same.
Logan is the type of person that I hoped I would find. He is also the type of person Ben would often comment on wanting me to find should he pass. Logan and I ended up eloping a month ago. He respects and loves me just the way I am. He understands his role in our lives is not to replace Ben, but to be an addition. He understands and respects that Ben will always be a part of our lives and our family. His views on being sealed and being a widow align with the views I have on it and with what I was counseled by the General Authority that visited my home back in October.
This process has come with a great deal of scrutiny, judgments, and opinions from both friends and family (mine and Ben's). Some of my kids have struggled with this happening as well. Micah (who is the most affected by all this) is so happy and loves Logan and his kids. For these reasons, I chose to keep this off social media until now. What I do know is when we tune out the noise and follow and act on the things we are prompted to do, our Heavenly Father stands ready to bless us. Often, actually most times, that is not how or when or maybe even what we expect it to look like. I'm grateful for the ability to realize how love can grow and expand. I have learned through all of this how important it is to not judge people and the paths they are on. We have no idea, nor any place to judge another persons heart, grief, or intentions. As my therapist told me, timelines are relative and unique to each person and situation. There is no right or wrong timeline in a situation like mine. Until we are in a situation we have no idea whatsoever what we would do or how we would respond to the challenges we each will uniquely face. I know for myself, none of this has gone when or how I thought it would go, but I wouldn't change any of it. Everyones experience is their own and there's space and room for all of us to be exactly where we are in our journey through life.
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